This is a guest post by my friend Kimm Crandall. If you don’t know Kimm, you should. Her Twitter profile says it all. “Sainted sinner standing in the loser line waiting for grace.”
This is a great blog. She mainly writes for moms, but I needed this as well.
I gave up today.
I didn’t want to do it anymore. You know, the whole Christian walk thing. Trying to be a good mom, trying to do it all well.
Maybe it was the emotions of having watched my husband being taken away in an ambulance last night. After all, watching the one you love the most swell up before your eyes is an alarming experience.
Things like that hit you the next day; realizing that without medical care you would have lost him.
Maybe I used the stress and the tiredness of the night as an excuse.
Or maybe the unexpected night away with my husband was the cherry on top of my week of defeat. Not quite what I had in mind when I said we needed to get away together soon.
The trip to the pumpkin patch seems fun until your child spits in the mouth of your sweet friend’s boy and you become angry and harsh.
All is good until your child yells at the same sweet friend’s daughter and you become angry and harsh.
Then you run over her gate with your car as you are leaving, feeling like a wrecking crew and wondering why she puts up with you.
You’re at a breaking point. Your sin consumes you. You want to give up.
You’ve spent the week in exhaustion; over committed, under organized and wondering why you can’t do “it” right like other people. Whatever “it” is.
You’ve been ungracious, unloving and unkind most of your waking hours. Your husband disagrees but you know the gutter your heart has been in.
I know I’m not supposed to give up. I’m supposed to “fight the good fight”, “run the race” and know that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
How’s a girl supposed to do it?! Laundry, cooking, driving, teaching, sex, dishes, writing, listening, encouraging, being nice. It all seems so big when you’ve been up all night. Am I right?
So I give up.
There’s something to be said for giving up. Something that others won’t say.
Preaching a try harder/do better self sermon is not the remedy. I know, I know…where’s the positive thinking? Where’s my “can do” American spirit? Well, it’s at the bottom of the dumpster hanging out with all of the other worldly advice that I have adopted as a Christian.
The stuff that I’ve since thrown away.
Adding only drives me to pride or despair.
I’m over it.
You see, it’s not until I give up my efforts to do this christian life right that I break and see the glory of Christ.
So I give up doing and remember what’s been done.
I give up working and start resting.
I give up comparing and start being.
I give up pretending and start living.
And then it comes to me, He has been rejoicing over me all week! He’s been loving me when I haven’t loved others. He’s been singing over me when I’ve been harsh. He has adored me when I haven’t been adorable. All of this brings me to my knees. Amazed at His relentless grace. A grace that increases in my weakness.
A grace that increased after doing it right for this sinner.
A grace that showered me after dying a death to make me acceptable.
And a grace that remains after ascending; loving to love me, as if the first two were not enough.
In all of my sin and weakness this week I’ve remained in Gods favor. I don’t have to make any payment for my mistakes.
I am covered.
And when I think about this…the shedding of blood, the forgiveness and righteousness given to me as an act of grace and mercy, I fly to Him. His kindness leads me to repentance and calls me into obedience.
Grace, grace, God’s grace.
Grace that is greater than all our sin.